Mission: Absolute Fail
by DemonChick344
Summary: It's just another day on Gran Pulse, which means something's gone horribly wrong, so Hope must attempt to correct this. Will he succeed or fail this mission? Humorous oneshot!


_**Story Title: Mission: Absolute Fail**_

_**Summary: It's just another day on Gran Pulse, which means something's gone horribly wrong, so Hope must attempt to correct this. Will he succeed or fail? Humorous oneshot!**_

_**A/N: No idea why I wrote this. I hope it's funny. I just think FFXIII would have been great if there had of been moments like this little oneshot. Seriously, all of you guys on the FFXIII fanon are awesome, and if you think this is good check out my other FFXIII fic, First Thoughts. Don't forget to drop a review, peeps!**_

_**...**_

"DIIEEEE!" Fang shouted, throwing herself at the behemoth and bringing the end of her spear down upon its head. However, she was holding the spear the wrong way and thus her efforts were in vain, as it was the plain end of the weapon that clattered onto the creature's skull and not the deadly metal head.

Lightning looked up from where she was fending off another behemoth, and shook her head sadly.

"You idiot, Fang!" she shouted as the Pulsian warrior was thrown from the first behemoth. Lightning smirked and leapt high into the air, and then falling towards the second behemoth with her gunblade held before her. The blade of the weapon sliced into the behemoth's neck, and a crimson fountain of blood splattered onto a grimly smiling Light. The behemoth slowly sank to the ground with a roar and Lightning yanked her gunblade from its neck, jumping onto the ground to assist the others.

Things were not going well. She had no idea where Snow was; Sazh was lying on the ground with his right leg twisted at a purely unnatural angle, Vanille was running around screaming her head off, Hope was trying to heal Sazh and Fang was rubbing her head and wondering why her attack had failed.

"Right!" Lightning commanded. "Fang, turn your spear around. Vanille, shut-up and heal Sazh. Hope, you attack that behemoth with magic. Where's Snow?"

There was a crashing sound and Snow lumbered onto the scene, holding a fist sized rock in one hand.

"SNEAK ATTACK!" he shouted joyfully, and threw the rock through the air – however, his aim was off and the chunk of rock flew towards a certain pink-haired soldier. Lightning ducked and winced as the rock missed her and hit Sazh's broken leg.

"YOWW! Watcha doing, fool!" Sazh shouted. "Can't you see I'm injured!"

Light sighed. "Just attack the behemoth, Snow!"

"On it, boss!"

The behemoth roared and swiped at Fang, who bent backwards and gaped as a nasty set of claws missed her face with inches to spare.

"Nasty little thing, isn't he?" she called out, and vaulted back towards Lightning, who was trying to convert her gunblade to the gun mode. "What's wrong?"

"Ah! Stupid piece of shit won't convert!" Lightning snarled, and hit the side of the gunblade with her fist. It worked, and she smiled. "Alright, let's do this."

...

Hope was not having the best of days. He was beginning to feel weariness set in due to too much magic-casting, his usually perfectly straightened-and-gelled hair was plastered with blood, courtesy do Lightning stabbing the second behemoth in its neck artery, and he was pretty sure that if he didn't eat soon he would just faint from hunger.

Lightning and Fang were striding towards the enraged behemoth, talking about what they could have for dinner. They kept talking even as they attacked the creature, and Hope shook his head and sent a spell at the behemoth, hoping to distract it.

"-Leg meat is really good, ya know," Fang said cheerfully as she ducked under another swipe and rolled under the behemoth. "Nice 'n tender."

Lightning hacked at the behemoth's left leg. "Really?"

"Yeah," Fang replied, stabbing at the behemoth's belly with her spear (holding it the correct way this time). "Just gotta have some herbs to give it a bit of extra flavour."

Light flipped out of the way as the behemoth pounced towards her. Fang was hit in the head with the creature's tail and sent tumbling, causing a stream of profanities to be shouted in surprise and pain. The behemoth roared and turned towards Snow, who smiled confidently.

"Only a hero can save the day!" he shouted, and pumped his fist in the air, somehow managing to look both majestic and completely stupid at the same time.

"MOVE!" Hope screamed as the behemoth lunged towards Snow and threw him into the air. Everything seemed to slow down as Snow tumbled towards the ground, only for a thick and muscular tail to whip out at the last second and hit him in the ribs. Snow soared into the air and over the tree tops, soon disappearing from sight.

Fang staggered to her feet and narrowed her eyes, finding her balance and extending her arm behind her body. Her spear was launched through the air with incredible speed and accuracy, burying itself in the behemoth's heart.

...

"Nice work," Light congratulated. She turned to the others and sighed. "Head towards that cave we found. Fang and I will catch up soon – we're getting some dinner."

Vanille had managed to heal Sazh. She nodded and helped him to his feet while Hope pulled a mirror out of his pocket and sighed dejectedly, examining his hair.

"Hope!"

Hope jumped at the sound of Light's voice. "Um, okay! Let's go!" he said to Vanille and Sazh, puffing out his chest and striding away from the others. Sazh limped, muttering under his breath. Once they were out of sight Fang and Lightning turned to survey the two behemoth carcasses.

"Leg meat, you said?"

Fang nodded and pulled out a curved knife from her boot. Light sighed and whipped out her survival knife, flicking out the blade and choosing a leg to dissect.

"Didn't you give that knife to Hope?" Fang asked after a while.

"Yeah, but I stole it back."

"Good. You doing anything tonight?"

Light cut away a long piece of meat and handed it to Fang, who wrapped it in a conveniently large leaf she had found. "Fang, _really_..."

"Yup."

Light rolled her eyes. "What did you have in mind?"

"I was going to show you the star constellations. It's okay; I won't shower you in praise and compliments."

"Good, cos you know I hate that."

...

"Where's Snow?" Vanille asked upon their arrival at the cave. Light and Fang traded glances, and Fang shrugged.

"We couldn't find him. It's okay, Van," she said, handing Vanille several large pieces of meat wrapped in leaves.

Vanille's lower lip quivered. "But – but you can't just leave him out there by himself! He could _die_!" she folded her arms and glared at the two older women. "That's a really, really, _really _mean thing to do and I won't-"

"Snow called you fat," Lightning interrupted. Vanille paused and stared at Lightning.

"What?"

"Snow called you _fat_. He told me a couple of days ago. I told him to go away, because your body is fine and you aren't fat at all. You have a great body."

"Oh yeah," Fang agreed. "It's _great_."

"Fang, shut up."

Fang closed her mouth obediently.

Vanille looked lost for words. "But..."

"He also said you were stupid, ignorant and annoying," Fang added, earning an elbow to the gut from Lightning.

Vanille frowned slowly. "I...Snow doesn't matter. Leave him out there for all I care!"

With that, she handed Hope the parcels of meat and stomped off to the back of the cave

Fang and Light hi-fived each other.

"Who rocks?"

"We do!"

"Who are the best fighters ever?"

"We are!"

Hope coughed to gain their attention. He stood up, arms folded. "So you're actually going to leave Snow out there for the night?"

"Oh no," Fang said. Hope felt relief but this faded away as she kept talking. "We're leaving him out there _forever," _she smiled triumphantly and grinned at Lightning, whose sadistic smile reinforced the warrior's statement.

...

Hope gaped at them, his jaw nearly hitting the ground. The parcels of meat fell out of his arms and hit the ground with a squelching sound.

"But he's one of us! A l'Cie! We need him!" he said frantically, trying to think of any way to discourage them from this ridiculous idea of leaving Snow to fend for himself on Gran Pulse. He would die within several hours. He might already be dead!

Lightning frowned. "Oh, what do you care?" she said rudely. "You tried to kill him – and failed!"

"_Burn_!" Fang cheered and hi-fived Light again.

"But seriously Hope, who gives a crap?" Lightning said. "It's just Snow. He can't do _anything_."

Hope flicked his hair. "He's a good Sentinel," he shot back.

"Yeah, he's good at standing still and taking _crap _loads of punishment and doing _nothing _about it."

Fang was staring at him with a strange look in her eyes.

"Do that again," she told Hope.

"Wha-"

She narrowed her eyes. "Flick your hair. Again."

Feeling like a bit of an idiot, Hope flicked his hair. Fang snorted and was suddenly on the ground, holding her ribs as she shrieked in laughter. Light stared at Hope like he had grown a second head and prodded Fang with the toe of her boot.

"AHAHAHAAA!" Fang laughed. "He looked like Justine Beaver!"

"No, it's _Justin Bieber_," Lightning corrected. "Anyway, let's go," she dragged Fang to her feet and hauled the huntress out of the cave. Hope stood there for a while, eyebrows and mouth twitching.

Vanille approached him, her hands linked behind her back. She stopped and twisted the tip of one of her boots on the ground, biting her lip and looking at him from under her lashes.

"Can you sing me a song?"

He gave her a strange look. "Which one?"

"_Baby_? Or maybe _U smile, _or _Eenie Meenie_. Actually, you pick!"

"Stop talking rubbish Vanille, and start cooking the meat," Hope said firmly. "I'll be back soon. I'm going to get Snow!"

...

After an hour of blindly crashing through bushes and into trees and boulders, Hope had finally realised that maybe trying to find Snow in the dark had been a foolish idea. Especially when he was in a strange and alien land that was infested with monsters.

Hope swore and kicked a dark shape, which hissed and slithered away. Hope shrieked and turned around, only to run into a tall and intimidating figure.

"_Hope_?"

"Snow! Thank goodness! I'm lost," Hope said as Snow hauled him to his feet. "And it's dark and I can't see where I'm going."

"Why didn't you create a light with your magic?" Snow asked.

"I did not think of that..."

Snow shrugged. "I'm lost too. Oh well, Fang and Light will find us eventually."

Hope summoned a ball of light and looked up at Snow. "No they won't."

Snow chuckled. "Yeah they will, kiddo. Don't worry."

"Snow...they left you out here deliberately. They wanted you to _die_," Hope said dramatically.

The giant of a man brushed a strand of blond hair from his eyes. "I can see Fang wanting that to happen, but not Light. She's my sis!"

"She hates you."

Snow sighed patiently. "Kid, Light doesn't _hate _people, she just...hates them, I guess. But she doesn't hate me!" he added, as though he were assuring himself of that fact and not just Hope.

"...yeah she does. These are some of the names Light, Fang and Sazh call you behind you back. 'Fatty, giant, giant fatty, dumbo, blondy, idiot, stupid, bumface – that was Fang's – garbage breath, loser, dumbass, useless waste of space, maggot spewing refuse eating intellectually impaired ape – Sazh said that – and nancy boy. That was _some_."

Snow was silent for a while.

"Sazh really called me names? I thought we were bros!" he said finally.

...

"...and that's the Water Ship," Fang said, pointing to a small cluster of stars.

Light frowned. "That looks nothing like a water ship, Fang."

Fang looked offended. "Yes it does!" she argued. "See, there are the wings and there's the wheels..."

Lightning sighed. "Fang, water ships don't have wings or wheels. They float on water..."

"Maybe the Cocoon ones do," Fang muttered childishly. "But on Gran Pulse our ships _fly. _Our water ships, that is."

A pause.

"Ridiculous. Air ships fly, and water ships float. Besides, how do your water ships fly, then? What powers them? And why do they have wheels?"

Fang stared at Light silently. She looked up at the sky and pointed to another group of stars. "That's the Chocobo, up there."

Lightning nodded. "It does sort of look like a Chocobo," she agreed.

"Good, cos I hate arguing with you."

...

Morning came and went. It was now early afternoon, and Snow was just beginning to realise that Hope was right: Fang and Light had absolutely no intention to find the two lost males.

"Sazh betrayed me!"

"Oh...for the love of Cocoon, shut _UP_! I have no idea as to what on earth possessed me to come and find you with the idea of rescuing you from certain death. I hate you!" Hope snarled, and went to pull out the survival knife Lightning had lent to him.

Except it wasn't there.

Hope roared in rage and pulled out his boomerang, hitting Snow on the arm with the brightly coloured weapon.

Several metres away Fang and Lightning stood in the shadow of a boulder, Lightning's face coolly composed and a wide smirk across Fang's. They both shrugged, turned and walked away.

...

_**If you want me to change this from being a oneshot into an actual story, then I will. Just drop a review. It's so easy. Thanks guys :)**_


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